Music.

I think this is another lullaby except it wouldn’t work as a lullaby. I think it must be a lullaby in quotes. The piece itself isn’t in quotes, just the name. So maybe that’s not the right name.

I’ll tell ya, I play these things no problem while I’m working them out, but then when it comes time to record them I get all nervous and they get worse, they get stiff and start to sound phony to me. My anxiety basically is this: I don’t know whether I’ve been making mistakes all along. Because I don’t really notice or care about mistakes; they make no difference to me because I’m imagining the music first anyway. But suddenly when it comes time to record I think, “well, now it actually has to sound good OUTSIDE of my head, too” and I feel immediately embarrassed that I may have been playing badly all this time and not even been aware. So then I try to become accurately aware of how I sound, which of course just ruins everything.

The present motto of my self-improvement is to put more trust in subjectivity. It might be fallible but it’s what I am, and it’s better company than my self-consciousness any day. What do you see when you turn out the light? I can’t tell you but I know it’s mine. If it sounds good inside my head, it probably sounds good, and if it doesn’t, I’ll let myself notice it later like everyone else, instead of desperately trying to pre-empt it to save face. For better or worse, my face is my face and there’s no saving it.

I say this stuff, sure, but the recording above is definitely self-conscious. The middle is clunky and doesn’t go the way it should. But once those stupid nerves get into me it takes a while (or a mental flush) for them to get out and I’d rather just post this now while I’m still thinking about it. I wanna keep that bar nice and low.